Friday, April 24, 2015

That Big Girl

That big girl in the office.

In a couple of days I would be leaving the office and then maybe will never see her again.

Her presence always made me nervous, in this 2 month stay I hardly saw her 10 times and each time I felt the hit.

She doesn't smile but she has a look which leaves the imprint. I remember that poetry which seems really really apt for her, the rough translation would be something like "for sure there is some magic in her eyes (the way she looks), on whoever it fell, it pierced till the heart".

Do I want to talk to her? Well its difficult question and the answer is yes and no both. Yes because that's the natural flow of action, you like someone and you want to talk to them. No because I don't want to shatter whatever illusion I have created around her by knowing more of her. Since I don't know her all I see is what i adore and enjoy, Once I talk to her, my expectations will grow and her shortcoming will become visible. Right now I don't see anything negative about her and i like what i see.

I don't know her side of story, to her maybe I am a freak, a creep or whatever. Or maybe she like the attention she gets from me. Well when i don't know and I have to imagine, why won't I imagine the best of scenario. No matter how weird it may seem.

I know so little about her that i don't know what to write, All i can go again and again is the way she looks and how i feel when she looks the way she looks.

It makes me conscious, like I am being judged and she is powerful. well, that's kind of exciting.  

Ohh you know, I wrote all of above in previous night and slept halfway and just now I saw her and the same look made me remember what I was talking. It's fun to write at run time, When the hit is fresh and warm.

sometime I think why god has made all the beautiful things so dangerous? for sure there are exceptions but mostly. Or is it the dangerous quotient which makes it beautiful. Would the ocean and mountains would be that beautiful if they aren't that large? Eruption of volcano is so admiring. Fire is a beautiful thing, so is water and so is she.

Well she is not dangerous not until I meddle with her, I don't plan to because I like the way it is, wanting anything more would be greedy.

What more should I write? for now the loving memory I will cherish is her looking at me like I don't matter which is true.


Monday, April 13, 2015

So be it

Something broke inside me today, I am taking humiliation on a constant basis, but this one are one of those which changes your views.

Earlier humiliations just made me feel like I am useless and worthless and incompetent in some sense, but today whatever happened made me realize that It's just not a question of worth and competency. it's simple and purest feeling of being cheated on.

In a way its good for me, maybe I will never think of romantically being involved in anyway. Being honest was not just a bad idea, it was outright crime. It's not foolishness It was illegal.

I have taken enough, Why I have always been trying to see the perfect person inside others and what in my own definition realizing is a terrible and horrible person or both.

It's a fight of selfishness, i lost and thought that it was because I was selfish and later realized that my selfishness was puny and innocent with what it was dealing with.

Seriously, every passing day I realize that how weak I am, more than the day before. What's the limit of it? When will it stop.

Isn't it's funny that the worst trait of you is that you are nice.

Some part of me wants to confront her, but what's the point. I must be paying for the wrongs I did, I just don't know what wrong.

I must let the grudge go, But I feel this grudge has made me a different person. Where did all the positivism went.

Only answer I have got for all of it is "so be it".