Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Not in mood.

What is mood?? Sometime I ask myself (not others). the answer I get depends on my mood and hence quite a bit unreliable. Let's see what I get today.

When someone asks you "Do you want a cup of coffee?", One out of 100/1000/more chance you say "not in the mood". Before that you don't even know that you don't have a mood for a coffee. it's only when the person asks and for a split of second you feel "coffee???" and not really solid but strong enough you get a reply "no" within yourself.

So what was that? who sets our mood, okay a better question what sets our mood? No solid answer. It might be the environment, the physical condition we are in etc. like if its too hot then you certainly would turn the offer down for the coffee or say you have acidity then again you won't want one. you shouldn't.

But above all there is something, something which haven't take a shape well enough to be recognized that sets our mood and based on the mood creates our reaction. Let me think a bit more about it.

*after 5 minutes* well i tried to think but more questions came into my mind than the answers. To note down a few questions are -

  • Are animals too moody ? (they seems moody, I can bet on snakes or monkey)
  • Women more moody than men? (might not be true but it seems so)
  • If removing the cause of your bad mood will automatically enhance your mood or it persists even then?
  • Why does an open-heart talk with some good listener potentially relieves our mood and make it fresh?
  • In bad mood is good time to do something creative? (like drawing or writing poem)
All these questions I guess answers the core part of it i.e. what mood really is? though not the way we wanted i.e. in words as a certified definition. let's take the previous point one after another.

Are animals too moody ? (they seems moody, I can bet on snakes or monkey) 

Okay this might not be directly related but in some way may be. I think animal are more moody than humans are because humans have reasons i.e. reasoning capability, hence as soon as a person feels not in the right mood he subsequently in unknown part of his/her brain start looking for reasons for that bad mood. So we challenges our bad mood, Animals don't, They just react to it.

Women more moody than men? (might not be true but it seems so)

well need to be bit politically correct here....so here is the preface - 'men and women both are basically humans and carries the basic human characteristics so it's not right to label one gender as more or less compared to other gender in respect of moods or otherwise. Every humans are unique hence a generalization would be inappropriate.'. So now we are done with the preface, back to business. Women certainly seems more moody, in fact they tends to have huge mood swing which time and again seems so illogical that the men who is facing it baffles. But again women mood too have some really subtle reason for such a swing. It might be their silent and closed reaction to any feelings like jealousy, insecurity, possessiveness etc.(in etc add the positive traits).

If removing the cause of your bad mood will automatically enhance your mood or it persists even then?

No, it doesn't. bad mood is a zone where we get in due to some unrealized reasons and unsatisfied conditions. Now even when the reasons are gone we are not able to automatically come back to our normal state. Why? Since in the first place we never really knew that what exactly was the reason for our bad mood entirely. Hence even if it's gone we tends to keep asking what's the reason for my bad mood and the answer we get is "not feeling right". So even the reason is gone we are not totally sure of it and hence need some kind of pull to get out of zone, If you don't get the pull, you would get out of that zone due to sheer boredom in that peculiar situation specially since it doesn't make proper sense.


Why does an open-heart talk with some good listener potentially relieves our mood and make it fresh?

I think an open heart talk is by far the best way to get out of bad mood without even realizing that you are getting out of it. Every human is a potential chatter, some of us control it or don't realize it. But talking to someone give us a feeling of confidence and attachment that someone is understanding you and hence there is a connection.This connection is a positive tickling vibes and that's why perhaps it feels good to talking to someone with whom you have no inhibition or insecurities. How to find that person? Most of us knows who that person is, just that we are not sure. So when in bad mood give that person an opportunity to be a good listener or at least talker. Good chance you would come out with a smile on your heart.


In bad mood is good time to do something creative? (like drawing or writing poem)

Might be, might not well be true but there are two points. Why?? it would make you feel better to do something creative or the outcome (drawings or poems) will be better? Former is sort of surity, later is more fancy than realistic however can't deny it outright. All those creative thing is nothing but giving a flow to our hidden, unsolved, unaware , unrealized, hibernated thoughts and feelings. In whatever art form they start taking shapes. So while they take shapes we sort of get detached to those feelings and feel lighter again. A person in angry mood might make a drawing of something cruel like volcano eruption(okay its too filmy but something) and after that when he come out all those anger seems meaningless and vanished. It got a shape and it left you. Start afresh.

Conclusion?? You tell me in comments. Too late in here, don't think would reach at office on time but let's say it was worth it. Hope it would have bettered your mood.

 


Sunday, March 4, 2012

inner self on shelf?

Have you ever talked to yourself?? we often do however most of us don't feel confident in talking to ourselves.

Can you guess the reason?? why is it easier to talk to others in comparison to talking to oneself. If you ask me there is more than one reason.

First of all we believe on others more than we believe on ourselves, we prefer to judge ourselves from others point of view, we are keen to find out what other thinks about us?? We somehow don't trust ourselves.

Now contrary to common belief how we are (or atleast can be) a better judge of ourselves than others, First of all when someone else judges you, he somehow compares you either with himself or with someone else he knew or atleast some supposed standard he has in his mind for the person 'like' you. In addition to that more than often while judging you he(or she) even subconsciously alter their views based on some personal expectations or desires. So all in all its an unbalanced approach.

When someone else judges you, he merely judge an outlook, a persona you consciously or subconsciously or unconsciously represents. whereas we are not one person, we are multiple person with different traits inside person and the commonest thing in between all of them is 'you'. That is what exactly you are.

you are a myriad of sage, criminal, selfish, liar, opportunist, philanthropist, artist, poet philosopher, scientist and god knows thousands of more bearer of sheer single traits, you are all in one, some are dormant in you, some you have suppressed, some are latent and some are hyperactive some are noble, you are actually a periodic table who has all the element of different properties. when I am saying 'you', I mean the commonest 'you' of all those elements.

when you laugh your hearts out, there comes a point where you have no control over yourselves, it may be and is mostly a flash of second where you lose everything, It's something like a crest and when you touches that point it's only you and not all those persona you would have on you otherwise.

Imagine yourself laughing all out and feel the point where you lost all your masculinity and femininity, your hurt and worries you even loose the reason for which you were laughing, you lose every single worldly trait and its sort of a spiritual high and there you coincides yourselves totally and purely. however unfortunately to realize that you need to have a control on your mind and then its your mind which is 'programmed' to have you in your different sets.

Our mind is so programmed that we can't take anything out of the binary basis of 'good' or 'bad' which ironically themselves are entirely 'based on'. As I am telling that you actually are a carrier of different personality, you surely would be thinking if its good or bad? well its neither. It's what it is. it is our balance to the twist between us and the world, it's our respective reply to the difference between natural and practical. It's the juxtaposition which works and its our respective compromise. each of us has a different level from this side of infinity to that side of infinity. No its not good or bad, it's not binary.

Let's accept what we are , let's not forgot ourselves, let's be practically natural or naturally practical. there is no problem if you don't have bones to get to the levels and standards set by someone else, because afterall he was someone 'else'. There is no point in trying to set standards on someone else's standard.

let's recognize ourselves, let's ask question to ourselves, let's stop aping others as a person, let's be ourselves without looking left or right. let's be criminal if that's what you really are but just don't get caught.


If I have to categorize people , even though if I say that every person is a category in himself i still would categorize them in two ways 'questions' and 'answers'. the person who falls in questions category are easily noticeable, these are those rebellious type, they put questions every now and then, they make you think and they are content to make you think.

They are or atleast seems magical, they think but upto the level where the question is created, the questions which everyone feels and most of them without realizing. these questions in somewhat way their weapon, they won't look for answer but they make sure that the sting of their question continue, they love their questions and dont want to see them die, Hence more often than not they get aggressive when someone tries to answer their question, they instantly would look for flaws in the answers and would nullify the answers. The question category people uses the questions created or thought by them as shades, they relax beneath their questions.

Now the answers type people, these people would look for answers, they find a pride in solving, in long run most of these people consumes an air of superiority above others, they are not as big a hit as the question people but still they are sought sometime desperately, they sometime get so obsessive for answers that if they can't put an answer they would put workarounds. these people are basically constructive and mostly bore to be with for the simple reason that they are killing your curiosity. when you are curious you would madly look for answer but when you get answer you feel vacant and static, you are boringly tranquilized. the answer people are mostly defensive and protective contrary to question people who are offensive.

If you ask me what type I am, I think i am an opportunist, I changes my zone, I and many other try to make a balance, when with question people I am the answer type, when with answer people I am the question type. 


Saturday, March 3, 2012

Pen and pencil

Some materialistic things have a strange effect on your persona, they are so attached to you...infact you are so attached to it.....You feel so good to even think of it and if its with you you feel like dancing in yourself.

When I was a kid and we in our school had to write with pencil and eraser were their to use if we make any mistake while writing....I hated that....I always was thinking when will i get the chance to write with pen......pen seemed so powerful and authoritive then....but it was not allowed in class, still 2-3 of the boys had that......either they got it from parents or elder brothers and when teacher were not there in the back of the copy they use to write with pen and that used to fascinate us the others.

They even used to give us the chance to write our name or something....the big draw was that it couldn't be erased by eraser and mostly it was a symbol of your being on your own so that you dont need to erase what you write.

My father gifted me a pen which he got from his office and I was so keen that I opened it to see all the parts and when I saw all the parts I remained as amused as I was before opening it coz i didnt know how to set it up and ultimately was slapped by my father. let's say it was worth it.

Ultimately the days passed and we got the chance to write with pen and then it became  apart of us and the fascination evaporated with time. I think it was day to day business. I was a master in getting my pen lost. The major part of my writing in my academics has been done by someone else's extra pen. Since I was so introvert and shy then either someone else's use to ask the very typical "someone has got an extra pen" question.

Days kept passing and pencil got in somewhere in oblivion. it didn't even touch our mind. The mention of pencil were merely color pencil for drawing tasks. At that time "Reynolds 045" came in market.....it looked so classy thin long white cover and in the front bluish glass fixed to it and then the refill tip out of that glass. The blue and later black pen cover. Whoever used that had an impression until and unless i got one of myself which ofcourse i lost soon. However even this passed.

And with time jetter, rotomac, cello etc. started to hold the market....

Also for people whose handwriting was bad, that included me were suggested to use ink pen. Ink pen had another story. I felt it was the messier breed of pen. you would surely get your hand inked if not your shirt. But ink pen was fun to write with it sort of flowed on paper with your hands however I got detached, disappointed and dejected by ink pen when I accidently spilled my Horlicks on my note-book and all the written things were washed away. My love with ink-pen which otherwise was never there ended that very day.

i got back to pencil when the geometry part started.......HB pencils were strictly needed.....ironically I didnt find any pencil which was not HB. nataraj, camlin all were HB. In the instrument box there was one instrument which were used to draw construction with pencil attached to it on one end. However that instrument was more instrumental in piercing due to its needle. It was also used to mark our seat boundaries and sometime used as a dart.  

But this time pencil wasn't inferior....it was simple, effective, useful and sensible. ultimately it was 360 degree and then I realized that a thing more powerful comes with its own problem and a simple thing helps you great deal in complex problems.

Slowly but surely I got away from pen...it made me feel like restrictive and uselessly complex. pencil on the other hand made me feel more pure and innocent and effective.

Even nowadays whenever I try to write something which isn't official or professional and is only concerning to me, I prefer pencil. the glow of graphite looks better as it gets older. When I read my own words it seems it directly appeal to the imaginative part of my brain unlike pen which now seems more mechanical. pencil now is more humane to me, it magically represents simplicity.

Almost all my half-written stories are written with pencil on A4 sheets and I sort of preserve them.

I think it's safe to say that I am very much attached to pencil now . the wooden piece in my hand releases the complications of my thought it seems. It simplifies my personality and make me easy to feel better.


Thursday, March 1, 2012

Each repeat is new

For going to and coming from office I pass from the same path and today too it was the same, I told earlier too that most of the time I look outside from window, If I can't I feel bit suffocated.

I realized that today that i have a strange habit of reading everything outside, every single Billboard, every shop name, every advertisements. I kept doing it everyday and yet strange enough Everyday I find something new which I hadn't read earlier.

So it's like the more I travel from that road the more thing I notices but the scope little smaller, As days are passing I am noticing more and more smaller things.

When I started I used to notice Things which draws your attention like malls, four-ways, over-bridge. then After some days I started noticing smaller things like furniture shops, water tanks smaller roads which are constituting to jams.

After few days things which were even smaller in nature like a house, small shops etc.

These things are going on and I feel everyday my scope of noticing and observing thing is getting finer and I feel it would keep going like this and Each time I will find something new which I didn't noticed earlier.

Walk

I think I can claim this......walking is a great feeling....the sense of movement.....the relative reciprocal movement of the world makes you forget or modify your thoughts......

Whenever I feel low about myself I go for a walk....there is something about it, it always works and by the time I return I am upto a large extent relieved. Other feature is that when you go out for a walk,,,you always notice a lots of new things.....Today when I was walking I somehow was slowly mumbling a song...suddenly I realized how all those years I used to get the wrong meaning of the song.....and the right meaning was so evident still I persisted with the wrong meaning......this perhaps represents that If convinced I usually dont give a second thought.....It makes me stubborn and adamant.

I guess we are what our childhood was.....if childhood was troubled.....the person would remain troubled throughout his life......going by this theory I sometime look at a person and tries to find out how his/her childhood was.......no matter how much I try I always get a prejudice relative to my own childhood......I find it easy to define someone's childhood as brat........someone's childhood as pampered....perhaps coz mine was none of them.

Had to write more...but feeling sleepy......tomorrow or some other day.

Subconscious = unimportant + not urgent

Willing to write something, but what? let me think, let me go back in time and find a day which I want to discuss, personally I prefer discussing those days on which nothing special happened because those days are the days where I lived my life so peacefully and content that I didn't notice anything which is....to say unlikely me.

I wish i go back to those days and adore things which i didn't notice......the realization which was never there and that time when you were not the part of the world even you were in the world.

I love those times, when i felt something real cosmic, I'm sure most of feelers feel it....you feel happiness with just as much of sadness and you wont be able to tell which one was prominent.......you forget every humans you know and everything you own and in many ways you forget yourself too. your identity, your designation, your achievements and your blunders all just dont bother you that very moment.

I feel many people feel this, though i have never ask anyone but certainly if i feel....it can't be unique to me. I sometime ask myself...Do I always talk about myself and then I instinctively revolt and put instances where I didn't, mostly in mitigation. But this question coming out of my conscience in itself says something......It says yes I do and it also says that my subconscious thoughts are becoming conscious and why is that? Maybe because my conscious has not much thoughts.

Things get into sub-conscious and you dont realize that when you have already much in mind.......somehow your brain tag those 'subconscious' thoughts as 'not so important' and filters it so that it don't get into conscious......so that you can concentrate on major issues and thoughts.

This thing is very evident I suppose.......When in world, dealing with people, I don't think what I am thinking now, All there activity goes in my subconscious and only which are unusual and peculiar are noticed, others are just tagged 'not so important' and are stored in subconscious.......

Relation ship-sip-sheep

This question has always been in my mind.........Which one is better?? the relationship god provides us(or by birth for atheist) or the one which we makes by ourselves in the expenditure of our life, course of our life??

In the first instance it seems the relationship we make by ourselves. When I think why??
Maybe because it is just close to our heart we love our decisions basically, We love our choices.

I made a few friends in my life. Time I spent with all those friends are just so awesome.......the jokes we cracked, the gossips we had and don't take me wrong I guess it's the same for many guys if not better.

On the other hand the relationships we had by birth........Mother, Father, uncle, aunt etc. etc. Mother would always be a special relationship to most of person reason must be the selfless love which flows from both side. Relationship with father is very tricky. Fathers are in total control while we are just being desperate for the freedom. Fathers are insecure and their experience of life sort of belittle the capabilities of their children. In that scenario a tussle is inevitable. It goes on until Father lose the control and children gains the independence.

All other relationship from your own nuclear family is a second degree relationship either a leisure or pest depends on person to person also situation to situation.

But somehow in long run I have come to believe that relationship by birth are way too stronger than the relation we choose over them. It is just that we take it for granted. We dont give them the value they deserve we just give them minimum level of importance. We subconsciously stretch it as far as possible.

To please our heart or in better words, to appease our heart we just get inproportionaly and inappropriately indulge in maintaining the relationship which we make just because it appeals to us.

I am not leading to any conclusion but just the thing as I see it......this happens and will happen......maybe that's how we feel of living our life the way we wanted.

Ye Saali Zindagi

Recently i saw this movie 'Ye Saali Zindagi'.........since long i had been disliking Hindi movies mostly coz of their love-theme and exaggerating love and all those stuff.....last good movie I remember was 'A wednesday' due to its gripping plot and great acting.

Infact I was very much reluctant to see that movie and just before that I saw 'Delhi belly' which I think can be termed as a coming of age sort of movie. I wont say Delhi Belly is a great movie but it was okay.

'Ye Saali Zindagi' starcast consist Irrfan Khan who can hardly be considered a star on whom our movies mostly relies nowadays, people goes to watch SRK, Aamir, Salman, Akshay etc etc and enjoy watching them doing things. These stars are at the stage where whatever they do would seem charming, meaningful and cute for the people to whom they have effect on. Personally speaking I don't like Irrfan Khan much due to his troubled look a matching voice.

I decided to start the movie from the middle so that if I find it unbearable I can leave it without any guilt. But then I realized movie wasn't about him, it wasn't about a single protagonist so to say. I was able to watch the movie in one go. Then I started again from the beginning and somehow realized it was a great movie.

It wasn't on any hard-hitting subject, It was about love but not entirely, It was about criminals but not on face reality type, It was about corruption but not with moral garbage. Just a lively movie with a happy ending. Just like you can't judge a book by it's cover, you can't judge a movie by star cast.

One more great thing I found was the music and songs....Really liked the lyrics of few and music of the rest. I can say I was pleased to watch a good hindi movie which is typical yet refreshing.

Restart!

One of the most irksome truth about the life is that its unpredictable, However giving it a deep thought it's what that make life moving, I few know something is going to happen, the time between when we knew and when it will happen would remain meaningless and one might want to pass it without any enthusiasm.

So it serves, the unpredictability, It keeps you absorbed and attentive. In other words it keeps you alive.

I just asked myself "Do i have this natural instinct of creating prefaces?" . Why don't/can't I just tell the crux in short, get to the point. Why Do I feel the need to make it composite? to represent the whole picture, to try to explain anything with totality? In most of the cases it's not even needed, let's realize it.

So getting to the point. I was getting some spam mail from my ex-gf. I ignored them but today I got one more and I found her online, so I asked if she is sending it or its coming accidently. She said she isn't aware of it that such mails are getting sent.

Then it was obvious though she asked How m i? I said 'Good'. Suddenly out of nowhere she asked me if we can start again as a friend?

Truly speaking this disturbed me, mocked my sentiments, but I simply said I dont have the courage to say "no".

Then we talked about how life has been in between this much time, I was talking to her after 2 years.

I have a mixed feeling about the incident. But as I said unpredictability has a purpose. i decided to go with the flow.

I have learnt to channelize me, well so to say, i don't know how determined I am but it seems life wont let me sit idle. From my point of view some disturbances are better than absolute tranqualization. Afterall the quest is to pass the life, it's long if its pacified, it's short if it has disturbances.

Sometime I feel I don't want to know what will happen tomorrow coz I would get the courage at the moment, thinking about it from early might confuse me.
The talks were too formal and ended abruptly

One inspirational instance

It was a normal day, long ago. It was usual summer with unusual heat and restlessness.
Now when I think it so seems arid yet beautiful at that time it seemed so hectic and confusing.

Life is like that only. maybe. maybe not. How does it matters afterall. Throughout my little life I have faced this question most, so much of so that I got the answer as 'nothing matters' absolutely nothings. There is no purpose, It's all illusionary plank. Finding the purpose maybe the only purpose of life and when you find it you realize there was no purpose afterall still you lived on the life in pursue of it.

Anyway coming back to matter. it was a thin and long bench I was sitting on. And against me was the road and chaos which prevail there, 5 minutes before of which I was a part too. Infact the chaos was realized when I detached myself from it.

This boy put the plate infront of me, plate was filled with mashed up 'samosa' and with an aptly diluted chutney with it. A spoon was filled there inbetween the mashed samosa and perhaps that spoon was most lifeless thing in the whole plate.

I put one spoonful in my mouth and i guess i sucked the life out of those ingredient through the tongue to the nerves. It brought me back, from where I don't know but to myself. I started noticing again and I realized that the shop name was denoting some late person.

I looked all around and realized they were all kids with mother not around. I guessed maybe it's their father name on the board of the shop. Why I can't see the mother?? maybe she works somewhere else as a maid or something.

But certainly the shop was being run by kids only now I see the order. One girl of 14 sitting at the corner and washing the plates, spoon and glasses. One other girl of 12 maybe is sitting at the counter and she is being guided by the elder sister as to how much to cut and how much to return for each customer.

Then the boy who served me with the plate. They all seemed so busy doing their work rather professionally. Not expecting any emotional sympathies or attachment.

for them it's simple work. Ideally they should have been in school. Ideally. Life ridicules idle ideas. And again I think it doesn't matters.

While I was thinking that I subconsciously heard someone shouting but was too busy in my plate and things on that. Suddenly i realized a small girl, real small bringing a glass of water for me, she was so small that she had to use both of her hands and still can't cover the full diameter of the glass.

taking so very careful steps so that she dont spill the water out of glass. It just hit me. and she looked at me with those big eyes. I don't know what she was looking for. maybe she was just looking and not looking for.

or perhaps there is a difference, She was the youngest in the brood. While for others it was plain work, straight business. they were not expecting anything. This small girl had this difference, her eyes deserved something.

i took the glass from her hand and she as a child was reading me, all my behavior and actions would be in someway give her some experience about people, Ofcourse she notices everyone like that.

That's how children grows by noticing and trying to understand the elders and their action.

I realized that there was some sense in all this, The eldest girl was taking the biggest responsibility and toughest job of cleansing the plates and utensils, Also she was guiding everyone of them. She was virtually the backbone.

Then the other girl at the counter perhaps had the mathematical knowledge and she was helped by elder sister also.

The boy had to serve the customers and it was only suitable coz he was the only boy among all of them.

Then that little girl had the supposed easiest job of providing glass of water. I don't know if it occurred them naturally or was it well thought but one thing for sure that this order was not incidental.

As i paid and moved from there I have realized I have seen something beautiful. I didn't feel sorry for them. Life is not equal to any of us, we have different degree of struggle to face, it's just how do we face it.

They together were facing it beautifully and bravely.

Restroom

Bathrooms and toilets are the best places. They are basically confession rooms in disguise. there is something about them that make you feel different.

I love to spend time in there, doing nothing. or doing something which i dont do coz its supposed insane. well i guess people do more insane things than what I do. i don't claim i am the only insane.

Actually it's important for being sane if you are supposed to be and your inside is frustrated by it. Human are like water or i have come to conclusion that water are like humans, just as mysterious and they claim to be transparent more often, They think that others make them impure, on their themselves they are purest. most of the times they have undercurrent which is opposite to what we see on the surface. they try to level themselves. they try to change themselves according to the shape of jar(environment) they are in.

When in large mass they become force and are too dangerous. water are very much like us humans. they have copied all our traits and when someone says nature is cruel i think nature is telling us how cruel we are.

I think i deviated from topic. So why is bathroom and toilets like a confession room?? Coz anywhere else we are aware of our activity. we are looking at ourselves with other's eyes. We are adjusting ourselves. we are manipulating in our own capabilities. Now for people all these are necessities, well i have to agree it is. but like water we need to balance the thing.

Where do we balance?? In temple/mosque/church ?? Very unlikely. We are adjusting ourselves there also. We are careful there, we are not free.

Hence it's the Restrooms. Call it my another illogical theory but people who are not clean and sure and pure would spend lesser time in restrooms, coz they hate to all alone looking themselves through their own (not other's) eyes.

Well that doesn't mean that people who spends hell lot of time in restrooms are of purest of hearts. Well they might be suffering (wow! I just killed three mosquitoes in one shot thats bettering my previous personal best record) from constipation or diabetes. It's sure is no litmus test.

Everyone prefers clean toilet and there is no psychology involved there. People spends millions on their bathroom and toilet to make it the absolute marvellous.

what for??

So that they hope in such a great environment maybe they wont be able to face their grayish self. Well it's not a conscious effort I suppose but it's an effort nevertheless.

We are basically running away from ourselves coz ourselves is ugly by our own projected standards. Facing yourselves without a mirror is hell lot of different. It's not a necessity to being a good person but what is necessity is to project yourself being a good(not in literal sense something like polished and clean) person. this projection and its deviation from original compels us to make superb restrooms and washrooms.

In the shine of it we want to get so amused that we accepts the allusions that we are shining from insides also.

Do i sound like i am telling that we all are bad persons?? that's I never meant. We are just person good and bad are too strong a word to describe our delicately complex nature.

But one thing I would like to say that it's not you and your loneliness any more (As famously and romantically Amitabh Bachchan put it). It's you and your image.

you laughs at your image in confession room. your image avoids you as much as possible.

you know your image is necessary, your inner self taunts you. But who cares??

Observation > perception > Stereotyping

People with bad hand-writing are usually good in studies, people who are thin usually like spicy foods, beautiful girls are usually dumb and vacant/hollow.

These are/were some of mine, everyone has got it. no matter arguing over it if it's right or wrong. It's just how we study. Life is a process of studying, It's mind purpose and these concepts are building blocks which even can be mindless and without any foundation still become the foundation of your becoming.

Also on a negative side it's the start of xenophobic as well as jingoistic idea. Everyone is a racist in a way, just at the point we try to judge a person by his/her looks, color, behavior, language we becomes a racist and we can't help it. Well maybe racist is not a good word it's rather offending.

Observation it is in it's purest stage, a good observant is usually thoughtful person that too is an observation but we can easily find a logic in it. But logic always follows observations. We observes and then we 'find' the logic and then we apply that logic on few more observations and accepts or rejects the logic.

I have met people who are brilliant in studies and have really good handwriting, There must be beautiful girls who are very brainy indeed afterall one works in my office. But still we cant help and keep making such concepts and we dont mind making it until its confined upto us.

You see a person of different originality than yours and you start observing him/her straightforward with or without confronting him/her. If you look closely it's rather natural we can't help it, it's our nature, human nature. we fail but failing don't stops you from trying.

Something like loving, you love and you get hurt but you cant stop loving and thats the reason of your frustrations. Actually you detest yourself for being so weak against human nature.

What one should be careful is that our nature shoudnt affects our behavior in negative manner.

Loneliness

 I was lazy enough to mention that. What I should mention? why I should mention?? What's the purpose? Meaningless seems ultimate eventuality.

I slept for whole day, I woke up when most people go to sleep. This strange feel of waking at wrong time is so unique. I never could decipher it. It seems like the dynamism has lessened a lot than it was before sleeping. Maybe we de-celebrate (don't know the correct word) returning back to this real world.

I am awake now with nothing to do, noone to talk, I am habitual of these scenarios but it still feels like a new experience. I get amused as for how long one can feel lonely? If you are frustrated all the tym, you wont feel frustrated. we get accustomed to the situation. Mostly it's the transition from one feeling to another pleases or hurt as the matter may be.

But loneliness seems an exception, you would keep feeling lonely throughout. I think maybe bcoz we are lonely among the crowd. Thirst increases by seeing the water.

I have this habit of overdoing things. To get rid of something I overdo that and this overdoing kills any underlying anxiety or pleasure and sumtym pain. After sumtym we fail to feel the pleasure or pain if we overdo things.

it doesn't works for loneliness, But Still I remain content since I don't have any valid options which can be done without the adulteration to my concepts.

Thinking is a boon as well as bane, There are many who too bear loneliness but they don't feel it coz they don't/can't think about it much. Thinking about problem many times help us solve the problem but many times it makes the problems more problematic.

There are few mosquitoes around me so maybe I am not as lonely as I think. But then loneliness is really not just about being alone. If you are in a group even then you can be lonely. It's the feeling of 'isolation' that's loneliness

Talk Talk talk

Yesterday was too tired to write anything and anyway had nothing substantial to write, Even Today have nothing so important to post, Yet to continue....

Today I had work to complete and I completed. perhaps thats the difference between today and yesterday. Yesterday I couldn't complete even when I tried hard and hence felt very tired. Today It was completed though it was toiling yet I am not feeling tired today.

Maybe it's the end result which upto some extent have a say in a person being tired or not.

Other than that I was thinking only sexual things I guess which doesn't deserve mention here.

In the evening just before leaving the office I thought to have a tea, I went up. There was a person whom I find very cool in his approach, sort of crowd puller. I am just reverse to him. I don't talk to anyone until and unless some ask something or it's professionally necessary.

He asked me 'Why don't you talk?'. And my natural reply was 'What to talk?'.

'Why what so..' He couldn't find an appropriate word. 'traumatic' I helped him with that word.

'Yes, Why What so traumatic happened to you that you have nothing to talk, If not anything else teach us some PHP.' He completed his sentence.

'Let me learn first' I replied, a typically full stop type answer.

But it made me think of two things, first why don't I talk? and second why it matter for people If I don't talk.

So for the first part, I guess it didn't take me much time to find an answer, it mostly have three reasons.

1> I am fed up of the type of talk people do.

2> I don't see any point in talking or speaking. Many times it seems meaningless.

3> I am too busy listening to you.(or noticing you)

It was the second part which took me little time to get to the answer, Why does it irks or uncomfortable if I don't talk.

I think I have got an answer but I would post it tomorrow coz in this single post not enough characters are left.

So why do people get conscious when some non-talkative person is around, In what way it irks them??

The root I think is in instinct, Every thing you say make it possible for the people around you to understand you, judge you or assess you. Most of the people try to suit themselves according to different people.

Suppose If you come to know everything about someone but have never talked to him, you wont be able to truly ascertain that you know that person, However even if you don't know any details about someone and still talks to him or her regularly, you would feel that you know much about him.

Add all these factors, If someone don't talk then you don't feel that you know him well, you find it difficult to guess about what he thinks and more importantly 'How' he thinks. Hence you don't know in what way he takes your statement and comments which in turns make you conscious about your own talking. Also some people have habit to suit themselves according to the person they think that since he don't talk, he possibly don't like talking people. Those people confusingly try to curb their natural instinct creating a paradox.

Further to fathom I use to think why do I talk much with some people though I dont talk with many in general. Mostly because they accepted me as I was neither they tried to modify themselves according to me, They didn't searched or calculated or guessed my reactions. They were just themselves and it gave me the surety that no matter what I can say anything and they would say anything, There was no compulsion or effort to talk. And that's why there was no unease.

If you are giving too much attention for what I say, Then it gives me an added responsibility to check as what i am going to say and most of the time I would feel that It's better to be quiet coz people would try to interpret and decode the statement.

Thinking

Today (or better say yesterday) was again an easy yet boring sunday, with nothing to do and weather too was hot. I felt like sleeping in the daytime but then didnt sleep coz its not good if I dont get the sleep in the night later.

But anyway I am not getting sleep now. Looking back to the day, Apart from the things I did if I think what I thought then I wud start thinking new things now, Thinking is like multi-threading you start with one thread and then it keep changing threads depending upon the scope your minds can wander on.

If we don't take it as good or bad , beneficial or harmful and take it as a process then it seems a rather natural functioning of brain. Brain produces thoughts in heaps depending on the person's ability to observe/notice/fathom. Sometime its real troublesome to synchronize those thoughts as they really seems awry and many times have missing links.

Once my ex-gf(don't yawn) told me that I should not think so much, But I don't do it on wish, It just comes to me that way. Also thinking so much things which has no 'usefulness' is frustrating. Important word is 'usefulness'. That's a practical approach. Much thinking is never useful. You should have minimum required thinking prowess to excel on usefulness.

Usefulness demands balance not excess of anything.

Beside that I listened to some real old songs mostly of devanand and kishore kumar combination like from the film 'nau do gyarah', 'solvah saal' etc.

And I was amused that how such songs says the feelings of many many people by same sentences again and again. It feels like the words are coming out right from our heart.

Now the time has come to sleep, atleast to try, I hope my mind stops thinking when I am asleep. I sometime fears it keeps thinking it is just that i don't remember and hence dont realize.

I am looking forward for today's work, that also made me think but then I get paid for that, I wish i get paid for otherwise thinking also.

Buttons

Today I felt like a bonus day, the reason for this is that I was supposed to work today though my weekends are off.
Thing was like this that we were waiting for a mail from the client and according to that I had to work, The mail didn't come yesterday so that means my today was still free.

When I enquired , I realized that the client was a joint venture from Japan and Thailand and since there was vicious earthquake and tsunami in japan so the mail didn't come. We were joking like we first need to ascertain that if the client is alive or not. However I felt that it's not good to cherish on something so unfortunate.

Hence I got this day. And that's why I spent this day for being myself, doing nothing and some sort of meditation with tea.

While having tea i realized that I find girls in shirt very attractive, That prompted em to think deeper as for why and then the only sensible answer I could find was that it's in button. Maybe the desire to unbutton one after another. No other dress provide that facility somehow. I realized that I like unbuttoning as a process in itself, even of my own shirt. But with girls it has got some extra flavor.

Buttons i guess is a great discovery(or invention) by humans. It make me remember the movie 'The curious case of benjamin button'. We don't pay much attention to it but some of the buttons are really crafty. Hook too is similar but I guess button is much more classy than hooks.

Then I watched the match, India lost so nothing there. I bought a new cell today since the earlier was stolen, a real cheap one and in my subconscious I am willing that this too get stolen so that my idea of buying a cheap mobile comes fruitful.

Strange are the dynamics of human's desire. Sometime It exist in a real paradox. You want something but not the thing which comes naturally with that something.

Yours

Today day passed really fast, I woke up half n hour late today, so reached at office half an hour late of my usual time.

In the beginning of the day there was no work, but by the evening I got so much work that I fear this saturday-sunday i would need to go to office to complete it as on monday is the deadline.

I am not worried though. As far as I have seen some work is always better than no work, When there is no work I really feel sleepy and time passes slow, When there is work it passes like 4 hour in one hour. Also since my work needs application of logic so most of work is nothing but heaps of puzzle. Frustration starts when you are stuck somewhere.

However on today's account, I found my lead following cricket, It prompted me to do the same. In last 1 hour I started working and when I got stuck I left for home.

In the midway I was thinking to write a 'love-letter' which ends like 'mercilessly yours'. Then I thought what does that ending signifies, Maybe the person is desperate or psychotic.

What if it ends with 'carelessly yours', maybe the person is 'lazy and careless'.

'Mostly yours' - confused or treacherous

'Masterly yours' - dominating.

'Gracefully yours' - submissive.

'Practically yours' - unsure but practical

'pathetically yours' - pathetic.

'mindlessly yours' - mindless.

'foolishly yours' - foolish

'smartly yours' - more foolish

As for now one can understand the absurdity, Hence it was. Thinking all this I came to home and then fulfilled few of my online liabilities.

And when I was feeling sleepy I thought to write the day's count.

Not a Great day but good thing is that it was not a bad day.

Tomorrow it would be all working and that sense is making me lazy like stone as for now. It's like drinking before moving into desert.

Hence I will listen to the fan's noise and would stop writing this post now.

Proudly yours

Rahul

Unguessed

It was a simple day, have some work but I thought not to start today, was not feeling like starting.
Since I have first to do some research and then have to develop hence I can kill time in the name of research, can't get out of limit but certainly a bit.

Today I tried to find out that why do I get nervous when some beautiful girl is against me?? Didn't find much of the answer but I realized that It happens with only those girls whom I find beautiful, If someone is very beautiful then I don't get nervous.

In my office there is 4 girls who can be considered beautiful, One of them is very beautiful and she could never make me feel nervous, I m okey infront of her, Other two are also beautiful but doesn't matter to me, But unfortunately there is one girl who is making me nervous, she is making me too conscious.

I have made myself believe that i can control such dynamism, I am no more a boy who one way or other can't control the excitement. I have to and can kill such potentially harmful attractions. Now I can see all this from a dimension different.

I can enjoy her beauty without the desire to touch her. I am assured.

Since beautiful girls know that they are beautiful they expects some exceptional to get attracted to, I think that will work for me too. With my passive behavior she wont be able to know anything, at best she may make a wild guess and that too is over estimating.

Since I lost my mobile, I havn't called my home, Today evening suddenly I got very bad vibes about my home and family as something real bad has happened and they are trying to contact me but hav no means.

It somehow compelled me to call to my mother, Nothing of that sort had happened, I was only sort of assuring that.

And as i am writing this I m feeling real sleepy, it's sure that as soon as I end this, I will shut down the system and would sleep.

Let's see what tomorrow have in store.

Pain but not Trauma

Today was one of those days which is easy enough, you don't count such days for any reason, but still you know the significance coz on these days you can truly be urself in sort of spiritual way.
I didn't think about anything today much so not even feeling tired, But yesterday's hard work in water park sort of awakened my muscles which were in comma since long, Yesterday they were awakened today they were crying I guess.

Any movement and I felt it, Mind was giving full value to those muscles too. It also was feeling good. Pain is good if it's not mental(and also if in limits).

I think pain make us feel valued and alive. Today had a nice nap in the noon which i think was the demand of the body.

Worse part is I will not get the sleep now, since hav slept in day time. Maybe will do something coz mood seems fresh for now, It's those stage where you feel levitated, totally weightless, nothing on your mind.

Ofcourse there are worries and tensions but for now they hav been frozen, for now they have been in cold storage, Mind is not feeling their effect.

It's a beautiful stage when mind denies the dynamism of worldly things and worries, No desires, no greed, not to worry about gains and worrying about results.

It's very much like submerging yourself into something totally. I feel this effect is achieved chemically by Alcohol or maybe few drugs too.

I feel I m fortunate enough for not to rely on such things. It feels like I am lying on a glass which feels like grass and sun is shining behind my back, making everything lightened, so much of so that I can't realize appearance of anything though I am seeing it.

It's beautiful but for a change I am not willing to touch or grab this beauty which is a natural desire in case of beauties of world.

While I was writing it and feeling all that suddenly something broke the dream and now I am listening the sound of fan moving at a speed, imagining it's mechanical part making sound.

Water

Today from our office we had to go some amusement park and for lots of rides. It was good, the atmosphere was vibrant and lots of irresistible girls all around that too in water sports.
Most of the rides were based on fear-factor. It's amazing that we need fear and shock to thrill us.
Three time I felt how does a drowning person feels and once I feared for my life in real sense.
Most of the rides and sports were based to derive your fearfulness as a fun thing. Now when I look back as if anything was there which wasn't on fear factor.

I guess one thing I could name, It was a musical colorful fountain and laser play. There were many fountain of every type and have different combination of colors and laser beam. It was superbly synchronized with the music giving a great artistic effect. So there was no fear there.

However I liked few of water sports not coz they were scary but because all in all they were superb exercises. people don't realize it, They remember getting feared only coz that affects the mind.

Mind is selfish, It tells you the thing it noticed with such an emphasis that you don't realize what your body have to say.

A person behavior on land and on water should have different dynamics. On land whenever we feel feared we start breathing heavily, In water no matter how feared you are you don't have to inhale, coz water wud easily get into your lungs and you wud b prone to drowning.

Long ago some astrologer after watching my hand said that I will die due to drowning. Ofcorse I didn't take it seriously coz I want to face it than being superstitiously coward about it.

But whenever i see oceans and even rivers I find it strangely mysterious. water is the perfect balance between solid and gas hence its bit hard to understand.

When there was tsunami in south asia, I remember some one saying that if you keep standing on the edge you wont get the courage to get in. I think he was true in many ways

Balancing

The Day was okey, We gave a demo to the client of whatever work we have done and got their feedback, Some of the improvement they want is virtually impossible, Still I guess I would have to try.

Day was more or less relaxed, I did most of the work assigned to me and that too in a very relaxed manner.

In the evening When I got out, I was waiting for my number of Bus, Suddenly I noticed that two people were talking about something. I gave an ear to that.

First Person: I too said buy single door, what's the need of double door, we dont have to get ice. But no, It is not something we buy everyday,So have to buy it.

Second Person: But One thing is My wife is of very understanding nature.

First Person: (nodded then paused) No (My wife) too is understanding, If she comes on saving money, She wont spend herself and wont even lat me spend anything.

I smiled at that point, I guess they noticed it, By that tym my bus arrived and I got into that.

Then I thought about that, They were discussing about their wife the first person incidentally told about his wife in a complaining tone (That she made him buy an expensive refrigerator though it wasn't much needed).

Then when the second person made this as a preface to praise his wife.

The first person felt bit left out, He subconsciously tried to balance that with an exaggerated example of his wife.

it happens very normally, If someone praises his/her wife/husband/son/daughter/mother/father we instantaneously make a comparison with ours and feel bit left out and hence try to balance that, We start searching for the good thing in ours relative.

It does not usually happen the other way, Like if someone complain about his or her relative, we somehow feel content that ours is not that bad a situation.

An example of that was it when the first person complained abt his wife, second person felt content and as an effect praised his wife.

Complexes

Today I was thinking about inferiority complex and Superiority complex.

I think both are nothing but way of comparison, In one you feel bad about yourself while you compare with others, In other you feel good about yourself while comparing yourself with others.

However some people no matter how inferior they are don't get inferiority complex. But the reverse example is rare Superior person are more prone to getting a superiority complex than an inferior person getting inferiority complex.

We have habit of noticing people, We judge them due to our instincts and whatever result we get when we compare with ourselves bit too seriously then we are supposed to get complexes. Inferior or superior.

I for one have had both. For many years I carried an inferiority complex, But then When I tried people I got a superiority complex. And truly speaking superiority complex has done me more harm than any inferiority complex can do.

When superiority complex breaks it's like falling, Whereas when inferiority complex breaks it's like awakening. And we can well assume that awakening afterall enlightens you, falling breaks your morale(or bones).

There was a friend of mine....a big irritant....He had both simultaneously. He had inferiority complex and superiority complex both. He had inferiority complex when he considered things he has faced or facing in his life and he had superiority complex for things he have not seen or not faced.

Also sometime superiority complex is a result of elongated inferiority complex inside out. For example if you have an inferiority complex regarding your studies and you are bit better in games then there is a very good chance of yourself getting a superiority complex regarding your gaming potentials.

It's like balancing ourselves. We try to balance our supposed weaknesses by exaggerating their supposed strength.

I don't know why I got such thought today....But I think I still carry some sort of complex.

Wholesome.

Well today I took a bath...after many days.....

Was postponing it since many days. When used to be home I took bath everyday coz otherwise I will be scolded by my Dad.

Mom too use to scold but I never took that seriously, I think that's the charm of the mother. She gives you the liberty to ignore her, She don't take it as a matter of pride.

I usually get angry over my mother, which is strange coz I rarely get angry over anyone, then why my mother who loves me most. I think people get angry to the person with whom he or she has some expectations, they feel they have right on them and getting angry is a negative effect of it.

Why does my mother bear my anger, I sumtym try to keep myself in place of my mother and understandably I cudnt. I just feel that she is the one who give me real value and importance even if I don't return the favor.

In a way getting angry on her is my way of misusing or say celebrating her love or importance for me. It's a selfish kind of celebration but it is.

To the outer world she is a strong lady and for few she is a crooked lady, for me she is most vulnerable, starts weeping like a girl sometime and best part is when I console her, She get consoled so easily.

If I think from my mother's point of view. God is really cruel to make us love someone so deeply that we don't care for our own existence in front of that one.

We all are weak to the person whom we love. And we love, mostly we think that we love but that is also contagious.

Her loving me makes me scared about myself, When I look inside myself there is hardly anything to love about, there is nothing much to hate about either but that's another thing. For her it doesn't matter.

I once remembered One of my addict friend's mother thought that I use to encourage his son towards drug and stuff, Actually his son use to take more drugs with me coz we both were failures in our life though we were supposed to be having too much potential.

Actually it hurt me, I started hating his mother due to her having such an idea. In fact I even depicted my dislikening her to my friend too. her mother was once my teacher for 7th standard.

She was an educated lady and she became the principle of a small school. My mother is comparatively very less educated and she rue the lost opportunity.

Still my mother would always blame me for everything. So it make me think that motherhood is more about personality than education and exposure. Education only give you a chance to improve it doesn't improve you for sure.

Once my mother bought me a new wallet when i pestered her for it, When I opened the wallet there were two pics of semi-nude girls, bit provocative. I hid it beneath my bed and used to watch it sometime as trying to find something or better solving some riddles. Once my mother found it, At first I denied, then my mother asked my sister and her denial nullified my denial, So had to tell the truth. But I didnt tell that I used to watch, just the fact that it came with the wallet.

I found my mother smiling but it still was embarrassing for me.

Now I think more about my mom coz I feel she would not be there to love me so wholesomely for too long. I start feeling her absence and it disturbs me.

I feel I am a handicapped person when I think about my personality, too much loopholes in it, am sure i will get better with time but thing is even now in front of my mother I can play the perfect person and she wont deny me, she wont counter me intentionally.

I know this thread is about telling the day specific things, but today i felt telling this only though it's not day specific.

Today I took bath and missed my mom scolding that's the day specific things.

Great Catch??

One instance can change your day...

It is always said All's well if ends well. I think it's a very natural sort of idea, It's our natural reaction.

But I think it somehow contradicts with other proverb that 'first impression is the last impression'. The former doesn't contradict the later directly but sort of.

As for Day, weather was cool today, Since today was holiday I took an elongated breakfast, Later sat for tea. Just Like Buddha get the enlightenment beneath a tree, i get enlightenment at that place where I have tea.

I see people, Girls , watches and notices even unnoticeable things. Time passes slow and for that moment earth seems lazy in revolving.

I saw a girl on whose T-shirt it was written 'I'm a Great catch'. It made me guess about the girl. Why she chose that T-shirt? By the first time she have seen that T-shirt in some shopping mall, she must have imagined herself with it, She must have thought of the reaction of people when they read, Their reaction would have been her intention.

So what reaction I should give when I know what reaction she is expecting. According to me it's a very cheap statement. It shows person is short on self-confidence and balancing it with such lines.

But then I tried to think is she really such a great catch? She has an okey face, lean thin figure, All in all she is okey, nothing like 'great' which her T-shirt tells about her.

Then I looked at my T-shirt it has the lines 'Moved to geek's World'. What does it tells about me?? What i thought when I bought that T-shirt. Well seriously I didn't think much. It was sort of revealing my condition as a professional, Intention was to inform not to provoke, and ofcourse I am taking pride in my moving to geek's world.

By looking at my T-shirt someone asked to the person he was with 'Geek is different, Nerd is different. What's the difference?.

Before they could ask me I moved from there.

Backpain.

I cudn't provide yesterday since I had a very bad backpain, I cudnt move my neck for even saying 'no', I still can't but its no longer an excuse for not posting....

Yesterday was an Ok day, Had a serious issue in my work, I somehow solved it, then there were lots of work but I realized the pain in my back just below the neck, I thought not to do anything.

So I was just passing time, In the evening time since it was last friday of the month we use to have a sort of celebration in the office cafetaria.

The HR called everyone, had the cake for people whose b'day fell in this month and some snacks, It's enjoyment though I largely m not part of it, doesn't suits me.

At that time it start raining, I don't think I remember it raining in the month of february earlier, But it was good, the droplets which are flown with air and when touches you sort of awake you and when it happens randomly and numerously It's great.

I always liked rain, I hardly know any person who don't like it, Well there is an issue or drainage in most part of country but still it's good to get rain once in a while.

After that I informed my lead that I am going home due to backpain, this is the second time I was leaving office early in this month. He smiled and said take proper rest, we will see to it on monday.

Monday I think I have hell lot of work, but i dont feel worried or tensed coz i know life without work is so boring what we need is 'breaks' often.

I had tea, had my dinner and then came back to my place but this pain was/is still there, It's irritating but since it has elongated I have started to feeling comfortable with it.

I slept early than usual around 12 pm and most of my body problems are solved after a good sleep, but I remember waking many time without opening my eyes and feeling the twitch in my neck, In that half sleeping state too I thought tomorrow I would have to carry it, not so in detail but as a notion, and then again I went into sleep.

Stolen!

After lunch when I got back to my system to work, suddenly i realized that I don't have my mobile with me. I tried to remember if i took it with me, Certainly I did I even watched the time since I was getting late in the morning.

Second thought, It got stolen, But When and How? In a flash all the activity crossed infront of my eyes like a fast-forward. It is sure that It has been stolen then I realized while I was getting down from Bus, That was the only time It could happen.

And thing got clearer, Actually when I was getting down, few people were around the gate and I could now understand their strategy, They jam the way with one excuse or other and since there is little time to get down, your mind is all concentrated on getting down otherwise bus will open, and then in such a situation they could easily take it out.

I told it to the guy who sit beside me and we laughed at it, I said I should have kept listening to the songs on the mobile, that way when he wud hav picked out I wud hav known.

In evening while chatting with shying when I told him He said 'my cell luck is not good'.
I think he is right In one year this is the second time my cell got stolen and one cell of mine is not working.

Now I am looking for really cheap second-hand third class mobile which barely fuflills the requisite to make an attend a call. If any of you guys have such a masterpiece Do send it to me.

Moreover I asked shying if he has girls in his office, He said he has one, really close but she has mustache and he can't think about her, I told mustache is good, it's erotic actually. he replied For him it was a turn off and how can girl with mustache cud be appealing. I said if girls in male attire could be appealing then they cud certainly be appealing with lil mustache afterall it signifies that she has got some masculine hormones.

Women with power is always hit among men, He assured me he will give a second look to her.

Cheated by ease!!

Today I was lauded for my working performance in the early half

But I think that's not special enough.

Yesterday I was worried about a part of work, It was the bone of contention, Right now I am leading my lead so there is no point of him helping me that means anyway I have to do that.

I was considering it a hard task and I was not able to start that just thinking about it's complexity, I was feeling flummoxed as in what direction to proceed.

The guy who sits with me asked if i have no work, I said i have a difficult work and I m just preparing myself for that, It wud be huge fight and need extensive intensity so I am taking little relax before it, He smiled.

Then i thought I have to try and I started and Guess what I did it in 5 minutes!!!!!.

It came as a huge relief and a sort of content but then I realized it also brought a sense of getting ditched, The mental preparation I had was unused, The intense approach for which I readied myself wasn't there.

Something similar to calling a soldier to fight for his country and then there is no fight only a handshake, How would the soldier feel??

Ofcourse He would be bit happy that but internally he wud feel strange coz all those charge, all those rawness and energy were ditched with.

I would have felt that I have done a great task if it would have taken 4-5 hours atleast, but since it was completed in 5 minutes I felt like 'much ado about nothing'.

Also another thing I noticed that sometime when you stand at the bank of sea and see the huge strong wave, you would keep postponing your idea to enter into the sea as I was postponing to start the work.

Sometime we don't need to assess too much and need to jump into it at once, Being practical and thoughtful may take your courage away.

We need to be balanced in our approach.

Righteous Anger is unjustified??

I was in bus today when I realized something....While i am traveling in a bus, train or car I rarely look inside, most of the time I am looking outside.

what i saw outside today, there was this man going on his bike, behind him was his wife and in between both was their small child, As he was driving I saw the child playing with his mother, used to hide his face in her 'dupatta'(scarf) or sometime buried his face in her lap, the mother too was playing with her, it was good to see. In the process the bike got little unbalanced.

The man somehow controlled and then blasted his child and his wife, After that both of their faces got so down that one who watched them playing would feel sorry for them. The wife knew she was wrong but what hurts her was the way he blasted, the child looked feared and confused, While for the man he wanted to deliver his message in such a way that they never repeat that mistake, his concern was safety considering the way he managed to get the balance back.

I thought how none of them were wrong, still all three of them were feeling bad. It happens with all of us we understand that what other is saying is right still we get hurt Or we dont consider about our ways when we know we are right and our intentions are good.

Fruit seller Woman

It is not today's account, many days ago but worth mentioning.

It was the month of April, which means intense heat.......I use to return from my college with my friend around 3pm that was the time when the sun sort of thinking to loosen its anger........still it use to be hot and dry...

We use to return through a shortcut that use to be lonely and desolated most of the time and specially at that time.

One day my friend was not there, so i was returning alone and and the heat drained me i think, so everything seemed to be moving in layer.

In the mid-way there was a tree and in the heat it was providing a very cool space, there 2 guys were there. They seemed to be drivers by attire and they both were resting there.

Also there was a lady passing, she was a fruit vendor with basket of fruit over her head, they called her and while she was reaching to them one person asked suggestively about the fruit and meaning about her or say her's.

She understood, said 'it's good' smiling bit embarrassingly and stopped moving toward them.

They said 'Really?? let us check it' again suggestively enough. For the woman it was clear and bit explicit, so she smiled and move forward considering that they just want to have fun of sort.

Then they started calling her sounding serious enough to buy the fruits, that time i realized that she is bit hesitant, surely there is a chance that they wud buy, most probably they wud buy but it's also sure that they want to enjoy bit flirting, she knew she wud be ogled, she knew she wud have to face some double-meaning lewd remark and even then they might not purchase the fruit.

her hesitation was clear as she stopped and moved forward and again stopped by their calling, she said to them 'you don't have to buy'. actually she was making sure by asking.

they were shouting like 'we surely have to buy' and smiling simultaneously.

ofcorse for a woman who have to sell fruits for her livelihood or maybe her children too, its a good profit and it means much if someone buy her fruits(of basket) specially when in that heat there is sparsely any customer. From a business point of view she must try.

But on the other hand she knew that these men would ogle it, she may have to face some lewd remarks too. It's sheer pride against practicality.

I think we can feel bad about such women but it doesn't changes anything, In one way or other we all find ourselves in such positions. Her case is only stark example maybe too clear and too explicit.

Now when I see hot models when and around launching of new car or something like that and men asking her useless details about the products, Their motive is only to talk to her even the models knows that. I always remember that dark fruit seller woman.

I don't know if she went to them or not coz by the time i crossed the road she was still contemplating with a smile on her face.