Monday, March 2, 2009

Two pages of my diary

29th august 2007

4:00 a.m.

I couldn’t sleep, not a new thing for me. Even the reason is not new. For the first time in my life I am feeling like I am deeply attracted to somebody whom I haven’t met for the last 2 years. And 2 years before when we meet it was too brief to be called as a meeting.

Now I feel the thing is getting out of control. She has disturbed me unknowingly and unwantedly. I don’t know what love is or what its symptoms are? But the attraction I am suffering from has shaken me. Against my nature and opposite to my behaviour I am forced to contact her. I am not sure if I would b able to.

Initially I thought it is just a crush and it will die out with time as they usually do. But it was not to be. More the time I provided to myself, stronger the feeling aroused in me. Thing seems really unbearable as for now. For now the feeling inside me is to just let her know what I think about her. For now it seems that it will be better if I tell her all. But I know it will only yield more distress for me, irrespective of how she responds.

On the name of recent memory I have only 5-10 minutes which I spent sitting beside her. We didn’t talk. Still I am sure she still remembers me. Sometime I fantasize she too keep remembering me as often and simultaneously as I do. It’s rubbish if someone thinks practically and logically.

Sometime I hear about her from someone. Everything I hear anything about her, I feel a pinch in my heart, I hope it doesn’t shows on my face. I have heard she has got a stable boyfriend. If I am able to tell her everything successfully, I think how unfortunate it would be that she has to choose one out of him and me. Maybe she has already chosen. Still I don’t even want to think what her decision would be? As someone guilty don’t want to think of his judgement day. Its so pressurising.

I don’t know what will happen? I can’t speculate nor I want to. But whatever happens I know that my problems are far from over. Miracles are unexpectedly expected. At last I feel like I too am in a mess like most of us do at different stages of our life.

My only wish to god is that he or she provide me with the courage to bear all the positives as well as negatives. And give her the courage to decide right from heart keeping everything else at bay.

I am bit sure of my failure but after that I’ll not be ashamed that I didn’t give it a try.

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05th September 2007

3:30 a.m.

Things are not getting better. They rarely do. I contacted her and not so amazingly she didn’t respond. I have till now spent a considerable amount of my life. Hence I have been refused, rejected and ignored over thousand times for over thousand reasons by over thousand people. Still I don’t understand why it hurts afresh when someone ignores you. Rarely anyone would disagree that it is painful to conceive that you are NOT liked or demanded or loved.

I am not getting into materialistic thing that why she didn’t replied. Because the answer could be anything in the range of ‘not liking me’ to ‘not was in the mood to’. Big thing is what my condition is now?

The best thing about me is that I can think over what I am thinking. It is hard to control one’s thinking yet easier than controlling other’s thinking. i still am attracted to her and still am determined to woo her. But I am truly fearful that if she still refuses to respond, it could unsettle me. I may lose my track and get disturbed which I don’t want to.

She could have replied that ‘she don’t like to be in contact with me’ or she simply would have told ‘I am not of her interest’. Instead she didn’t reply at all. But then girls are not like boys. Her non-responsive reply gives hope that she may reply in future if I persist. It gives a warning too that she don’t like me and if I persist she would have to rebuff accordingly. I am filled with an emotion which consists of hope and fear simultaneously.

I can’t blame her for the reason she don’t know what’s there in my heart and mind. There is noone to blame still I feel an urge to blame someone other than me.

Earlier I use to fantasize that whenever I would contact her, she would reply positively. I would open my heart, would represent myself to her. And many more things which I am embarrassed to mention over. But since she didn’t replied I am left with little to fantasize. The hope too have got smaller. People live with their dreams but when they realise that reality is going against their dream the situation gets pathetic and one can hear the panicking alarm.

As a concluding remark I would say that I have found a strong reason to keep me tensed, sored, frustrated and perhaps living. Future is a synonym of uncertainity.Uncertainity is a heterogeneous mixture of hope and fear. Hope and fear are two faces of same coin which can’t stand on its edge.

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